Wow. Crazy busy. The beat goes on and on and on.
My head has been in overdrive pondering the ongoing drama in San Francisco about the comparison of bondage porn with real torture. It has my mind spinning and I feel a little sick.
Melissa Farley, a woman I’ve never met and have only heard referenced twice, in articles focusing on a community that I don’t live in. My only connection to her subject matter is working at a company that she hates because of her own neo-feminist crazy ideology. So, why is it getting to me? She is not ripping the porno down from the shelves in West Hollywood. She is not asking me, personally, to leave my kinky life in order to stop being a victim.
It is one of her many wacky conclusions that really gets to me. And I’m having a very emotional reaction to it. It truly bothers me. It’s the conclusion that bdsm porn is in any way related to real life torture. Torture, as in it’s conventional sense. (Go ahead and pull up the Wikipedia page. I’ll wait.)
While Miss Farley has tons of education on me, and has probably interacted with far more sex workers than I have, and might even have good intentions with her comparisons and book burnings, I fundamentally disagree with her based on personal experience. I have worked as a bdsm porn model and I have also been subjected to torture, under the standard definition, while under arrest overseas. My experience was short, intense, and life-changing. I’m not going to go into the particulars of what happened, but the experiences are totally different.
I am quite certain of that.
I have journals, photos and paperwork chronicling how I was feeling and what was happening to me the entire time I was having my non consensual experience, and obviously other people were aware of and responding to the situation so I know that happened. There’s also a matter of public record. I (and You with your magical internet powers!) have my journal, interviews and pictures chronicling my bdsm adventures. I can track how a particular shoot made me feel, and can tell you the effect it had on me emotionally and physically. The comparison of the two makes me sick. My nausea comes from the fact that torture is totally, completely, under any definition a non consensual act.
I don’t understand why Melissa Farley, and, by default, Matt Smith feel that it’s fair to compare the same act committed under completely different circumstances. Having to saw your hand off because it’s in a bear trap and a mountain lion is coming up the hill at a mighty quick pace and giving a kidney to your sister are a lot alike. They’re both major surgery. They are both dangerous. They both result in the loss of a body part. It’s the context that brings it together. It’s circumstance.
So, there’s my rant and rationale. I’ve tried to keep it short. It’s personal. It’s professional. It’s a gray area as far as that goes. I don’t normally discuss personal stuff. I’ve touched on the non consensual experience in a few different forums as I processed what consent meant to me. It’s at the core of how I compartmentalize the experience and it really (in the parlance of our time) pisses me off when someone puts the two together without thought. Not necessarily without thinking of me, obviously, but the circumstances surrounding each activity. And the charge that one word can have. And, unfortunately, what the difference between edgy porno/art film and a war crime is.
L8TR
willem1957 | 27-Apr-09 at 12:24 am | Permalink
MZ Berlin,
You look verry honney, I like to be with you
Anonymous | 27-Apr-09 at 4:13 am | Permalink
A message of self preservation, eloquently put. People shouldn’t disseminate such rash generalizations of BDSM behavior. S&M pride!!
N | 27-Apr-09 at 9:31 am | Permalink
I’ve never posted on your blog before as I’m usually just a lurker, but this post pushed me to go read some of Ms. Farley’s views and work.
Her articles about BDSM are insulting to a lot of people, which is what makes me sick. Please forgive me if I go off on a laundry list of “issues” particularly with the piece “10 Lies about Sadomasochism”.
First, she denies that pain can ever be pleasurable. She blames the fact that any woman can find pleasure in pain as a symptom of society breaking down a woman’s intuition, etc. Well, that’s an obvious ignorance of the way the human brain actually works. It’s well known that hormones flood the brain when activated via pain. These are hormones that give us the “natural high”. Which is exactly why a lot of people get into doing things that are painful, including BDSM. If no one found pleasure out of pain, we wouldn’t have Olympic athletes who get their “high” after pushing their bodies harder than ever to compete. Women wouldn’t get pregnant multiple times due to the pain of childbirth. No one would get tattoos or piercings, nor would those things ever had been a part of any ancient cultural customs (islander cultures, etc). There are plenty of non BDSM examples to prove her point incorrect– pain can mean physical pleasure, and it’s not always simple “physical” pain. Most things that are painful but pleasurable ALWAYS require a degree of mental hardiness, of tolerating the mental pain. Athletes always say a lot of their training is mental– many women prepare for birth by mentally preparing themselves using classes, doulas, midwives. The chemical reaction to pain creating pleasure is not an “opinion”, it’s a physiological fact.
Next is her point about BDSM being about annihilation and not love and trust. She bases this largely off of a few bad experiences of her own, and assumptions that people in BDSM relationships live in a state of 24-7 dominance/submission. I’m yet to meet a couple who actually does.. even if there are always “undertones”, their lives are not a 24-7 scene. Sex involving penetration is inherently a “violent” act, which is why I don’t get her argument that BDSM is violent and therefore wrong. Penetration is forcing something inside of someone else.. whether that’s gentle, hard, with whispered words of love or growled insults, it’s all shades of grey but it all ties back to the same truth– the ONLY truly different types of penetration is consensual and non-consensual, and they are utterly different.
Then she equates BDSM with perpetuating antisemitism, racism, sexism, etc.. her basis for this is that people who are into BDSM have certain preferences for the people they are with. Because we all know that vanilla people aren’t more attracted to some people than others. The fact that people into BDSM seek out relationships with those they are physically attracted to (gender and ethnicity over others) is not sexist or racist. It’s human nature and is prevalent with vanilla dating and sex too.
Next is her point that it’s not really consensual, and people die from BDSM all the time, and safe words are ignored.
She doesn’t cite any actual documented instances of these deaths. As for safe words, not acknowledging a safe word or action and proceeding anyway crosses out of the territory of BDSM and into the territory of torture and illegal activity. Criticizing doing something non-consensual to another person is not criticizing BDSM, it’s criticizing a crime. Those are 2 different things. Her final comment is that these things are only “whispered” about and not fully acknowledged by people within the BDSM community and lifestyle. Well, that’s bull. If we were all a bunch of idiot sociopaths out to kill one another, every person into BDSM would already be dead. Instead of making assumptions and looking for people to justify herself, perhaps she should seek out people consider themselves to be in a healthy BDSM relationship. Respect and communication does not just go by the wayside because you like to be spanked or have your nipples clamped.
Her next point is that BDSM isn’t just about sex. Well, I agree with her if it’s a partnered relationship, but unlike her, I don’t think that’s an inherently bad thing. All relationships are different and fall within different lines. While it’s well and nice to think that everyone should be 50/50 on everything 100 percent of the time, that’s just not how the world and people work. Never has, never will.. nor is the 50/50 myth some sort of “key to happiness”. Relationships usually encompass more than just sex, and sex usually plays a part in the relationship beyond just the bedroom. This is true of both vanilla and BDSM relationships, so why it’s damning to just BDSM relationships is beyond me.
Her next point is that pornography depicting BDSM is linked directly to how people in BDSM relationships will behave, and why they are into BDSM in the first place. She says directly, “We are not born with an innate sexuality where no elements of it are learned or manipulated.” Wow, that sounds a lot like the argument against gay marriage or gay sex. That they weren’t born gay, lesbian, or bi– they learned to become that way, therefore they can learn to “fix it”. I can’t speak for others but I can speak for myself.. even when I was a very little girl and couldn’t describe or articulate sexual feelings, they existed and they were in line with the BDSM I’m into now. I would not be surprised if most other people into BDSM had similar “stirrings” since their very early childhood, before we’ve had a chance to be influenced one way or another.
The last point I want to refute is that BDSM can’t heal pain from abuse. She looks at this from a very black and white perspective, that instead of dealing with the pain, subs just cover it up. And again, yes, some people seek to get into BDSM relationships as a means to perpetuate abuse they think they deserve due to emotional trauma, but these types of people seek out truly abusive relationships be they BDSM or vanilla. The cycle perpetuates in ALL types of relationships and not because of BDSM, so to lay the blame at the feet of BDSM is patently stupid. Beyond that, contrary to what she believes, some abuses and hurts can and are healed, and works for some people. I speak only for myself, but the first time my partner bound, gagged, and hooded me was one of the most healing experiences of my life. Yes, I cycled through a lot of emotions– fear, emotional pain, distress. Nothing in my entire life ever felt so good though as after being left alone like that, feeling out of nowhere his hand running down my side. In a single night my deepest, highly debilitating fears of abandonment that stemmed from childhood were soothed and sated.. something that 10 years of seeing someone like Ms. Farley didn’t even come close to doing. Building my BDSM relationship was a loving, and yes, healing experience for me. People like her can say it’s wrong or that it didn’t truly help me all they want based off a few bad apples, but again.. it’s a folly to paint such broad strokes with such a tiny little brush.
Anyway, sorry to have made this so long. I’m a female sub and consider myself to be a feminist, but I’ve long disagreed with women like Ms. Farley who think being feminist means degrading women who are into things you’re not by painting them as stupid, unaware, and naive victims. To me it’s the same old “it’s different so it’s scary” fear mongering, just a different subject matter.
ådåm | 27-Apr-09 at 12:59 pm | Permalink
You like Buckminster Fuller, right? Things like that make me think a bit of the Great Pirates. And in this instance it’s interesting because I feel like something like metaphors for control abound between the two critiques. Or does that always happen in every ~ism vs. ~ism? Too bad metatheories don’t allow us humans to be anything more than generalizations anyway.
Putschi | 28-Apr-09 at 7:37 pm | Permalink
Chanta-Rose posted a comment on Claire Adams’ blog about how Farley took part in the fabrication of a story that attacked Kink.com Here is the link: http://claireadams.livejournal.com/66034.html
As for Smith, he has a most curious sense of fiscal priorities. He attacks Kink.com because they get a measly $46,000.00 from California taxpayers for employee software training. Yet, he supports illegal immigration, which costs California $10 BILLION (see:http://usgovinfo.about.com:80/od/immigrationnaturalizatio/a/caillegals.htm?p=1) Here is the link to his pro-illegal immigration article: http://www.sfweekly.com/2008-03-19/news/working-class-struggle
Whipped and Gagged - not! | Lovings Lounge | 28-Apr-09 at 9:18 pm | Permalink
[...] blog collects and posts blog and media updates Good Vibrations Magazine Mz. Berlin has called Matt Smith out for a debate. Still no answer… Also good info on Melissa [...]
Webmistress | 28-Apr-09 at 9:30 pm | Permalink
Thank you for this post. The attack on the BDSM in general also bugged the hell out of me. I can see though, how hard it is for the “outsiders” to even begin to comprehend what it’s about (which does not excuse this kind of ignorant attack).
I was always interested in BDSM play (my first fantasies :-), but had only recently, 5 years ago, found a perfect partner to explore with. Wow. The overwhelming amount of intimacy, joy, love and trust in a BDSM relationship is a gift I couldn’t have imagined before it was given to me in full.
Melissa Farley obviously has some major issues – she even burned Penthouse for “violent porn”. Unfortunately, nuts in the position of authority can do a lot of damage…
I’ve added your post to my blog – I wrote about Matt’s article on 22nd, and am updating the post with news, links and developments on a regular basis.
http://blog.lovings.com/20090422/whipped-and-gagged-not/
By the way, did Matt ever respond to your call for a debate?
Iamcuriousblue | 29-Apr-09 at 10:32 am | Permalink
“Chanta-Rose posted a comment on Claire Adams’ blog about how Farley took part in the fabrication of a story that attacked Kink.com Here is the link: http://claireadams.livejournal.com/66034.html“
Unfortunately, the story is not a fabrication on the part of Melissa Farley – Kayden Faye really does claim to have been injured on the set of Kink.com. I’ve posted links about this over at the thread on Chanta-Rose’s blog that you link to.
Iamcuriousblue | 29-Apr-09 at 10:38 am | Permalink
Speaking of Wikipedia pages, the entry on Melissa Farley gives some good background on her, and among the many references and external links cited therein are some hard-hitting critiques from other academics of her methodology and conclusions. (Full disclosure: I’m primary author of the Wikipedia article in question)
Link here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melissa_Farley
Putschi | 30-Apr-09 at 5:17 pm | Permalink
@Iamcuriousblue, if that story is not a fabrication, then answer me this. How come Farley reported that Kayden Faye left the business in January of 2008 (the date of the entry concerning this incident on Farley’s blog), when Kayden Faye appeared as a submissive being dominated by Aiden Starr in a dungeon scene in the movie “Upload,” which was filmed in May of 2008?
Putschi | 30-Apr-09 at 5:26 pm | Permalink
@Iamcuriousblue, I stand corrected, “Upload” was filmed in 2007, not 2008. However, Kayden Faye did appear in a BDSM scene in the film. She was locked in a cage and dominated by Aiden Starr. As well, as for Farley’s allegation that Faye’s experience at Kink.com forced her to leave in January 2008, her IAFD file ( http://www.iafd.com/person.rme/perfid=KaydenFaye/gender=f/Kayden-Faye.htm ) still lists her as being active as of this year.
Iamcuriousblue | 02-May-09 at 12:58 am | Permalink
Putcshi –
Well, IAFD and the like are simply going on release dates, and its often the case that release dates for porn can be a while after the material was actually filmed. AFAIK, she isn’t doing porn anymore, with the possible exception of her website (Kayden420.com).
And as for fabrication, I’m not going on what was said by Farley (who in addition to her usual biases, actually knows damn little about what went on, other than the Luke Ford stuff she repeated). I’m going on what Kayden Faye said on her own blog, link here:
http://tinyurl.com/d98ood
Putschi | 02-May-09 at 3:23 pm | Permalink
@iamcuriousblue, Wikipedia, you say? Do you have any thoughts or comments on the following: http://forum.adultdvdtalk.com/forum/topic.dlt/topic_id=112336/forum_id=1/cat_id=1/112336.htm
Mommy does Dallas | DodaPedia | 09-Jul-09 at 4:00 am | Permalink
[...] Berlin has experienced both, she (NSFW) wrote, thank you very much, and she knows the [...]
Why “Sex-Negative” Is NOT Merely The Myth of Sex Positives: Matt Smith (AGAIN), MizBerlin, And The Consequences Of Unwanted Outing | The SmackDog Chronicles (Ver. 2.6) | 12-Jul-09 at 12:01 pm | Permalink
[...] Miz Berlin (warning, link NSFW), who is a specialist in the BDSM genre on her own behalf; she used the pages of her blog (NSFW) to rip new orfices on both Farley and Smith for conflating nonconsensual abuse and [...]
Good Vibrations Magazine » Blog » Matt Smith proves that he doesn’t understand boundaries | 13-Jul-09 at 11:32 am | Permalink
[...] response to this piece, BDSM video veteran Mz Berlin blogged about why she thinks that Smith’s conflation of BDSM and torture is ridiculous. Here’s her take on [...]